What are you no longer willing to apologise for?

Cataclysmic events (death, sickness, divorce, job loss, even menopause) often do away with the clutter in life. In one big sweep, they create a void that calls for a big reset in life.
When several such events occurred simultaneously in my life a few years ago, I – literally on my knees – heard a question whispered to my ear: “What are you no longer willing to apologise for?”

I wish I had asked myself this question earlier, and often.

It took a lot of courage to admit it even to myself: I no longer want to apologise for my sensitivity. It took courage because sensitivity was wedded to shame. A lot of shame.

In the personal and professional partnership that abruptly collapsed, I had wanted to be the rational and reliable partner, turning off the subtler parts of myself I believed were not welcome when navigating life together.

As a child, I kept hearing from the people who cared for me: ‘You shouldn’t be so sensitive. You need to be tough. Sensitive people are taken advantage of. You will suffer.’
I gradually shut my sensitivity off. The rational mind took over, finding the right explanations for almost anything in the world. In that way, I felt in control. I was also protected from the pain that sensitivity often catalysed.

The (hi)story goes way back though – not only to my childhood years but to thousands of years of patriarchy. To the worship of the rational, the material, the tangible, the measurable.

It worked. Until it didn’t.

When my life as I had known it collapsed, my mind went blank. I was pushed to re-think everything.

I eventually transmuted my inner story - embedded in Western mainstream thinking - that sensitivity is problematic because it is unpredictable, unmanageable, damaging to rational agreements and arguments ..., and asked myself:

What if there were actually gifts hidden in sensitivity? What might they be? What contributions are extra-sensitive people bringing to the world?

Here are a few answers, feel free to add your own :-)

• Enhanced awareness: a sensitive body is like a radar that scans the world for subtle signals and shifts; well before the mind notices and interprets anything.
• Empathy.
• Sensuality – the joy of a full-bodied contact with whatever is.
• Greater awareness of other people’s moods (a disclaimer here: it also helps to be humble enough to distinguish between sensing something with one’s body and interpreting it with one’s mind  – creating one’s own narrative of what may be going on in the other, which may be totally off).
• Capability to sense energy shifts in a group or a person.
• Creativity (enjoying generative moments when the rational mind subsides).
• Greater intuition.
• Ability to hear subtle worlds speaking – voices in nature; or the future that is on its way.

In my work as a dialogue facilitator in multi-stakeholder settings, sensitivity is crucial to track the energy, the shifts, the cracks, the unspoken tensions, the moments of catharsis or relief in the group.

I see now that I have always taken this for granted - never thanked my sensitivity for the allyship it has provided.

Most importantly, it helps me in my personal life: I notice that my own inner world gets out of balance well before the situation may become so intense that I would react on an autopilot (which may cause more trouble for everyone involved;-)).

Instead, I can pause, and clarify what is going on – which of my needs are not being met; and what may be the best way forward.

Life gets more flowing and harmonious when I make good use of my sensitivity :-)

It is ultimately not ‘either-or’. We need both; a clear mind and subtle sensing.

In the West, we may have gone too far in praising rationality.

What if, as humanity, we let sensitivity flourish?  What difference would it make in the world? What would become possible that might now be unimaginable?

PS. What are you no longer willing to apologise for? What permission do you want to give yourself, to show up more fully?