What it takes to have tough conversations

In a recent multi-stakeholder reflection workshop over a ‘failed’ project, a participant in the final check-out circle said: ‘I am still in almost a shock, and relieved at the same time, that we did not fight today – as we’ve done so many times in the past, over what happened.’
Hearing this, I was reminded again that the work of us process facilitators who work in intense environments is ultimately not about transforming conflicts into more harmony. It’s about re-claiming hope, and even joy, for calling in (tough) conversations.

The group was composed of several stakeholders who ended a project that was in their interpretation a failure: it did not deliver expected outcomes. A lot was at stake: financial loss, broken trust and relationships among departments within the client organisation, personal dignity; also trust in making future decisions.

Some of the key partners came prepared: with lists of mistakes that the other parties had done in the project.
When I saw this, my heart sank for a second: What had they been thinking – what kind of workshop they were coming to ...?!
A flash of possible past conflicts that had probably not gone well went through my mind. I could sense the despair that many of us feel when tough conversations would be needed to navigate a conflictual situation.

No, we haven’t been socialised into smooth, nourishing, option-expanding conflict resolution. Many attempts ended in more separation and hate. No wonder people go for the usual strategies: either fight, or flee. And oh, the discomfort of it all – being exposed, criticised, defending. Ultimately not OK.

Yes, tough conversations are uncomfortable for most of us. Some of them so much so that it’s worthwhile to call in support: a person who will create an equal space for all key values to be expressed, frustrations magically released in a way that creates a new step forward.

This is what that international network did. Their purpose was to learn together; to make better visions and decisions in the future.
What they got out of it in the end was much more: they saw each other again as humans, with various foci yet interconnected, and ultimately pursuing same purpose and vision. After seeing the whole picture, they decided for changes on systemic, structural, and communication level.

What does a process specialist bring to the table?

• Radical empathy for all sides

What most people deeply long for in complex conflicts is to be understood not only for their point of view but also for the unique value they bring to the whole (team, organisation, family ...). Not easy when tensions are high.

A skilled ‘third person’ can transform the judgments and criticisms into deeper values that are important to each side; fostering understanding and connection.

This goes beyond bringing rational understanding. Rational understanding is not enough. There will always be counter-arguments, on the other side; and the ping-pong is exhausting and unproductive.

A skilled mediator reaches beyond the interests and positions into the humanity underneath – what is deeply important to the persons involved that needs to be taken into account. What deeper qualities, values and needs are hidden underneath the ‘attacks’ and the ‘defences’ on all sides; from which to craft solutions that benefit the whole.

A mediator is like a big-hearted grandma that holds the space for tough conversations to happen in ways that nourish and heal.

• Curiosity / adventure
  
  Each party comes we a set of expected outcomes that rest on a deeper set of assumptions about themselves, the other, the group/organistion, and ‘how the world is’. A skilled mediator creates a space in which these deep-held yet limiting assumptions get gently stretched so that a sense of wonder and adventure is reclaimed: what if I’ve been too immersed in my bubble, and my perspective? What if the other has relevant information that can help me better grasp this problem? What becomes possible if we lay the armours down? What if collaboration can be joyful again? What if we can all grow from this experience?
   
• Eagle perspective

Once the parties get unglued from their deeply-held positions, hope is reclaimed; and a sphere of possibilities emerges. The mediator nurtures this eagle’s perspective, as well as the ultimate vision of positive progress that catalysed this tough conversation.

People will continue to have disagreements, collisions, diverse views.  Tough topics and conversations are not easy to invite, or enter. Think of speaking up about addictions, poor work performance, loss, death .... or even budding love.

These conversations call for taking the armours off, for letting go of being right; for seeing the other anew.

If not addressed with courage and care, the growing tensions will undermine future collaborations.
What has been suppressed will ultimately find its way to the surface. We’d better help it before it gets too damaging.

Yes, tough conversations are tough.

But no one is alone. When a burden is too heavy, we can reach out. There are social skills available that support tough conversations. Not only in organisations but also in families and communities.

Marjeta