What to say when you don't know what to say

»What do I do when somebody tells me something so shocking that I'm at a loss for words?« In the past, my answer would have been a long excursion into the inner worlds and empathy…. But now that such situations pop up all the time (think of conspiracy theories, political polarisation, climate paradoxes …), people need simple tools that effectively re-connect rather than further divide.

Here are my three favourites from +15 years of facilitating dialogue in intense situations – applicable to all kinds of situations with fellow human beings.

»Tell me more …«

Imagine somebody close to you sharing the views that you find highly controversial.  Your blood starts boiling ...Instead of 'firing back' or retreating, create a bit of space: take a slow, relaxing breath, and say three simple words: 'Tell me more.' Then listen.

Curiosity and judgment cannot co-exist. Choose curiosity.

The rewards are amazing: (1) the speaker shares more of their inner world with you, (2) ) the energy shifts from restrictive to expansive, (3 Your perception of the other may soften, as you see more of their humanity.

“Can you give an example of what you mean?” or: Can you be more specific?

Very helpful when the other is making broad judgments, such as »you don't care …«, »he's such a liar …«; »people are doomed …«.

Judgments are helpful when you need to quickly assess a certain situation: ‘Am I safe/welcome here? Do I want to invest my energy in this project/community? Can I trust this person or not ...?’

In many other settings, generalised negative judgments hinder connection, collaboration, and creativity.

Asking about specific examples invites the person to identify and share specific events that cause concern to them. This shift from judgment to experience often catalyses empathy and connection. At the very least, it creates a pocket of shared reality between the two of you. And this is no small thing in an increasingly polarised world.

From »yes, BUT« to »yes, AND«

‘Yes, BUT ….’ is another almost-automatic response that often ends in a battle between ‘right’ and ‘wrong’; with little progress (and a waste of energy).

‘Yes BUT' cuts the other off, spotlighting MY view. The space between us gets constricted.  'Yes AND' is energetically expansive: it implies an acknowledgment of the other, and then adds a new perspective that grows the sphere of possibility in which you meet.

The 'yes' (in the ‘yes AND’) can be either short or elaborated: verbalising the value of what the other person brought into the space between you before you add your own value/angle.

Try to practice ‘yes AND’ for a few weeks, and see how your mind might expand – as might your relationships with (challenging) people.

PS – Here is a bonus, helpful in those longer conversations when the other keeps bringing views that are essentially contrary to your core values. Instead of teaching or preaching, ask:

What in your life experience has shaped your thoughts on this?

This prompt invites people to shift from generalising, judging, arguing  ..., to sharing real-life experiences.

As they say, you cannot hate the person whose story you know.